Dilemma

Back from CDL.

We won the match alright.

But there's something on my mind which I feel that I need to put down in words to de-clutter my brain, otherwise I'll be fuming in my sleep.

Ranting beware.
Whoever from CDL's reading this, you need to know I'm perfectly sane, and this is my personal blog so don't be offended because I want to vent out here if I can't do it in the court.

Looking Forward

Angry ramblings. I don't want to keep on posting this kind of posts, but I can't take it if I don't do something.

Unreasonable

Ramblings after the cut. Leave if you want to.

Facts

You have been warned.
Rantings beware.

1. Slapping does not help.

2. Your choice of words smells worse than the stench of the drain outside Taylor's.

3. I'm not deaf, you really don't have to shout.

Really. Is it just so easy to switch between a civilized human and a foul-mouth *self-insert*? Oh wait, maybe it is for him.

ok. So you say I don't use my brain. Indeed I don't, happy?

The thing is, shooting me with vulgar phrases like, 'you eat shit is it? (direct translation from Chinese)', 'you're stupid,' and 'blah-blah-blah', just proves that you're not that smart, or in fact, using your brain after all.

If you ask me do I eat shit? The answer is, that depends on you.

养不教,父之过。

You're the one feeding me, remember?

Next, why are we stupid? Blame the genes? And where does it come from I wonder. You? Or my mum? And so you deny that you have stupid genes, ego. But then why did you marry a stupid woman at the first place? Blind perhaps? Or what?

Enlighten me.

Lastly, you're embarrassing you parents. You say the parents are at fault of the wild behaviours of some kids you saw on the street. And here you are, not giving a damn for shooting like this. If I were your mum I would have disown you.

If you've got a brain, maybe you haven't try using it yet.

Didn't you always say, 'when you do things, plan before you act, and prepare alternatives just in case.' Oh, I hate those moments I have to help you out. The chances of me getting through it without being scold and hit is like < 0.1%?

Since punishing us doesn't cure our stupidity, why don't you try something else? I wonder what happen to the backup plan you keep drumming into our ears. Oh yeah, I forgot your didn't bother to think of one. Why? I suppose your stupid ego would give me some stupid answer that doesn't makes any sense.

Pardon me for asking such a stupid question. You have to, cause stupidity runs in my vein.

Really, if you're so smart we wouldn't be dumb. Or maybe you're not dumb, it's just that the method you use is not the right one. Then again, you're either
-not bright enough to realise that, .
-blinded by your ego (which means you're dumb since you can't control your ego)
-not smart enough to discover another more approachable method.

And yeah, you said you want to live long and prosper. I do hope you know that losing your temper over the tiniest thing is actually the last thing you wanna do.

Bah.
Paradoxic.
What a hypocrite.

I don't mind being corrected. Criteria? No bad-words, no shouting, no slapping/whacking/hitting/whipping and that might do the trick.

Mr. Omni-knowing, certainly you understand the principle of the ball bounces higher when you hit it harder. Heck, you look down on me for not knowing a lot of things, can't you try to relate this with us?

UPSR

Ramblings. Dedicated to my brother.
Go away if you don't want to know how annoying tutoring a slow learner can be.
Yeah right Jiri, this is where I learned to teach things step-by-step, so go thank him.

*
I don't get it.

I'm not taking it, why hell I took UPSR like 6 years ago, and yet,
WHY AM I GETTING ALL STRESSED BECAUSE OF IT?

My brother's academic grade screams 'FAIL ME!!!!!!!' all over.

I don't even dare to ask him, 'Do you understand what the question asks?', since he's gonna answer me with these:

1. No
2. I don't understand a few words.
3. No
4. A little
5. No
6. Still NO

*SIGHS*

He's like, 75% illiterate...

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok okokokokokokok....

I know it's not his fault for being slow, he's a boy and boys tend to be a bit slower than girls at this age and I hope he's just a late bloomer... Then again, it's not like he wants to be born not being smart or genius like the rest of the family...

BUT,

*SIGHS*

Seriously, I don't know what to say.

*SIGHS SIGHS SIGHS SIGHS*

I don't care la. Just get over with UPSR. It doesn't matter if he fails or passes (well obviously the best outcome) his BM, there's always remove there for him to catch up... *Heaves* Though, with his Chinese, he's gonna be the first ever out of our family for failing Chinese.

GAWD. Imagine the terror of my grandparents on this, especially my grandma, who enjoys drilling the success of my cousins into our ears everytime she sees us. Believe me, I can tell you what she's gonna say the moment she starts 'Your gogo...'

So. Damn. Stressed.

I tried making him to check the dic for unknown words from the essays and exercises. Then I realize that if he were to do that, it'll take him years coz he'll have to check almost every word.
I gave up.

I told him to improve his cacing words, I see no change made.
I asked him to memorize his penjodoh bilangan, he took the whole day for half-a-page and forgets the second day.
I ordered him to check the dic, he couldn't find half the words he doesn't understand because he didn't get the imbuhan.
I made him read, and he mumbles the whole time while he can yell louder than me when he's angry.
I want him to try guessing the meaning of the sentence which he doesn't understand like fitting a puzzle, and he took god-knows-how-long to guess.
I was so tired that I rested my leg on his chair, he shifted the bloody chair away from me.
I was so annoyed everytime he claimed to have no time to do this and that while he screams, yells, thrashes, and whines at my sister.
I tired to keep calm and make life easy for everyone, but I DON'T KNOW WHY I GET ALL FLARE-UP WHEN HE DOESN'T LISTEN.

Use love to educate like what happen in a lot of stories, I thought. Sure, the boy is bad, but someone loves him and he becomes good and lovable. IT'S DAMN EASY, NOT.

GAWD.

He takes so long to finish something.
He's so easily distracted.
He's so unfocused!!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't use his brain to think.
His handwriting is DEVASTATING.
He seems to be talking under water when he reads.
He does things so slow, like walking, pointing at a work, or even flipping through a dic.
He tells me he wants to pass, but he doesn't remember what I taught him.
He says he's doing his best, I don't know what to believe anymore.

Am I impatient? I don't know. All I know is, he can do it. But why is he not doing what he can? Is it me or him? I just don't get it, why can't he

I know the academic grade doesn't measure a person's talent/smartness/whatever, but this is MALAYSIA (which generally explains almost everything you're not happy with), it's a somehow outdated country that loves the nerds and geeks and doesn't really care about those with unusual talents.

So what if my brother has some talent (which, till date is yet to be discovered), can he survive with it?

GAH.

WHY AM I GETTING SO STRESSED BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID EXAM? IT'S NOT MINE. JUST GO AWAY.

I DON'T GET TO GO OUT BECAUSE OF THIS.
I DON'T GET TO DO MY THINGS BECAUSE OF THIS.
I DON'T GET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF THIS.
I DON'T GET TO STAY COOL BECAUSE OF THIS.
I DON'T GET TO RELAX BECAUSE OF THIS.

WHEN THIS IS SERIOUSLY OVER, I'M GOING TO DEMAND THAT DICTATOR TO LET ME GO OUT AS I PLEASED. I'VE DONE THIS MUCH FOR HIM, I DON'T GET TO GO TO CHINA WITH THEM AND BLA-BLA-BLA SO AT LEAST LET ME ENJOY WHATEVER'S LEFT.

And if, he so happens to have pass everything, I'm taking full credit for it. Though, it's totally a different case if he fails.

I think when this is over,
I'm going to start teaching him from scratch, and that is Standard 1.

Reminder

I didn''t knew it'd be this long. Words just burst out of my mind while my fingers responded. And the whole post got longer and longer faster than I know.

RAMBLINGS beware. You have been warned.

'He might change his mind, you know your father, he's always like that.' My mum said.

'Hmph, I'm not so sure about it, especially when his son's future ada masalah.'

*

'If your brother and sister have exam on the next day, you shall stay at home.' He told me indifferently, with a tone that leaves me speechless to argue and persuade the night after our gruesome match with the Avengers. 'What are you still doing here? Go to sleep.' He ordered, with the same sh*tty tone which gives no chance for me to say anything.

Shoot.

That guy won't let me go to the last match.

Shit la.

Just because his son's future is at stake.

'You're the sister, you should teach your brother.'

Yeah right. How bout you? You're the father.

In case you don't know, or you chose to ignore it, he doesn't listen to us. Even if he listens, I'm sure if you teach him it'll be more efficient.

Is it my fault for not knowing that he don't understand 80% of his comprehension article? Is it my fault that he failed his BM 4 times straight in a row with only a single digit 8? (I know it sounds cool, being able to score an 8 4 times in a row...)

Thanks for your understanding, but why is it always us the ones to clean up his mess?

Why can't you do something? If you're so worried sick that your son might not get into Taman SEA, why don't you take action? And when I mean take action, it's not dumping us instructions and orders and throwing the responsibility of educating him to my shoulders, but to teach him yourself.

Yeah, when I go Ballet, you asked, 'Who's gonna look after your brother's studies?' You're concerned right? Then do something.

So ok, you don't have to pay for the Dodgeball competition, so it's OK that I don't go, because if I'm not at home, my brother will have nobody to look after him. Shit la.

Why can't you look after him?

If, you're not free or can't look after him, I don't mind staying at home, as retarded as he is, he's still my brother, I'll do my best to help him.

But you are not doing anything.

You give instruction, you have expectations, you don't monitor, you wait for the result. If it's good, you say nothing; if it's bad, there will be sufferings, for us, naturally.

Why risk the damage when you can avoid it?

You know bloody well he's not doing well, you know freaking well that he'll work harder under your supervision. Instead of giving us tons of lectures, beatings, and scolding about not teaching his son well, not informing him about his performance, and wasting so much of our precious time, why can't you just GO AND DO THE JOB YOURSELF?

Do you know how much time that would save?

And yeah, I should sacrifice myself since his future is far more important than a game of Dodgeball. Yeah right. You have a choice right? If I can't teach him, you can.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TEACH HIM FOR ONE NIGHT AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE IN A WHILE? (It's not even a night. I'll be teaching him until 9 and leave for the game, there's only 1 hour for you.)

Do you have something important to do? I have no idea. As far as I know, you go surfing online for your Hi-Fi collection, nap, listen to music, smoke, and sometimes, answer a phone call.

Besides that, it's NOT EASY TO TEACH him. You know his mum, she yells at him almost everytime, and now she stopped since she's partially busy with her work and gave up on him.

I don't wanna yell at him.

I feel guilty and pity him when I do so. But sometimes he's just oh-so unbearable that I feel like thrashing everything around me. Or is it that you don't want to be the villain and gave me the task instead?

Shit la.

I don't know what he did in the past in school and at tuition. It seems like his brain is still empty. Except for maths, which he can get an A, as long as he doesn't make careless mistakes. (I am going to skin him if he doesn't get an A for maths) He's been having tuition since, Standard 3, for almost everthing.

While I started when I was 10 by only going for BM. Oh wait, let's not compare him to me.

After all these years of education and extra education, I really don't know what had he learned... *big sighs* Almost every question I ask him ends with a 'I don't know.' He never ask when he doesn't understand something, he never tells. And it takes years for him to finish a homework. His hand writing is horrible and unrecognisable. Despite that I complained to you, it didn't improve much and it's still as bad as ever.

And speaking of his handwriting, I think I'll stop telling you in the future. You want us to report his performance, and yet, I don't see any sort of benefit for me. If I complain, I get extra job to make sure he gets it done.

Like that night, I have to wait until 1am ++ for him to rewrite his bloody essay, which you claimed that I'm too slow in checking his handwritings. God, you DON'T even read his essay, because you COULDN'T stand it and DIDN'T bother to understand it. So I took over the job to read it, and made sure he rewrite some of it.

You were not happy when it took us so long to do the task.

'Why are you so slow?' You asked. 'I remember I instructed him to give his paper to you to check 15 minutes ago, why did you go upstairs? Did I not make myself clear? What took you so long to do the task?'

I went to check my sister while waiting for him to rewrite after I checked.

And you were angry because your son is taking his sweet time scribbling. You wanted to smoke, but we're there so you can't. You blamed me, for taking too much time in checking his pitiful paper.

AS IF I ASKED FOR IT.

You think it's enjoyable? To force myself to stay awake to wait for him to finish rewriting his bloody essay? To read it again and again and again to decipher his chaotic handwriting? I'd rather read my Harry Potter 20 times. And god, he writes at such a s.l.o.w. pace.

If that is what I get for trying to help him to improve his handwriting, I'm having second thoughts. It's not encouraging, to me at least. When I want to do good, I get scolded and get extra workload, which, no one appreciates. Not him, when he's forced to re-do his homework like hell; and not you, when you're so fed-up with our work efficiency. And I don't see why I should.

So why bother telling you again? Why bother trying so hard? Give me a good reason to do so.

So that my brother's future is secured? Please, to secured his future I have to get myself into that mess when there's actually a better way?

Or to get myself scolded again? To use my time doing something like that? It's not like I don't want to help him, but the way you do things, I'm the one responsible for his performance, and of course I'm the one you'd scold if something goes hay-wired.

Yeah, like that day. I told you that he kept his exam result at school for a whole month because he didn't dare to show us. You got all worked-up, naturally. And after you punished him, I got myself grounded. Wow. If I'm not mistaken, you were going to nap when I reported to you. If I didn't report, things would be different. You'd nap as planned, and I'd probably won't be grounded since I'd be asleep by the time you wake up.

Is it just me or what? It seems like everytime someone tells you that he's not being good, you'd scold, and punish if you could, others right after that.

What? You're not happy with your son. And you're just oh-so ired that you want to lash out on someone else? How many times did that happened before? Ha. I lost count already.

If that is what we get for helping him, can I just let him rot? You blame us for everything you could think of. Isn't that so? You'd find excuses for him.

'He's not smart.'

'He's 9 months younger than those of his age.'

BullSh1t. How many stories about people who are not smart made it to the top by working hard? Does Genting rings a bell?

seriously, why can't you do it for once?

I'm tired.

Let me choose, I'd rather clean Fluffy's cage everyday than to teach him for one hour.

'Remember to tell your friends that you're not going that night. You have to look after your siblings.' He reminded me. Siblings? Hah. More like my brother only. My sister has no problem getting herself motivated and doing things on her own. It's my brother.

Ah well, if he fails to squeeze into Taman SEA, it's not my problem, he's the one going to remove or whatever it is. And you'll be the one moaning about it. If only you'd do something, the ending might have been different. If and only if.

I feel like screaming and shrieking every curses I know and swearing at him. But there's no need for me to stoop that low because of him, right? Gotta keep my cool, it's not worth it.

I'm going to be freaking happy when UPSR is over.
And now, I feel a lot better.
Phew.

Fuming

I'm sorry, but the outing for 1u will be delayed, thanks to my oh-so-awesome hem-hem.

Pretty most of you know how he is, with me ranting about his *%(@#! attitude and so on.

I'm not really angry, it's a bit more like I'm scoffing at him.

What is wrong with him?

When I want to go out, I ask him, after planning everything out, otherwise he'll be scolding me for being immature, unorganized, and short-sighted. Fine, so I discussed with my mum first. Ahahahahahaha. Now he's not happy because I didn't discuss with him before. Wtf is this? He expects a half-friend half-****** relationship with me or what?

From my experience, all he ever does was to make fun of me, scold me, slap me, whack me, and what else, lemme think... When I try to talk to him casually, he always give me the high and mighty talk, treating me like a mature aunty instead of an adolescent I am. So you're asking me to grow up? And so I try, I make mistakes, he gives no warning and punishes me as he pleased. Sometimes it was my first time I didn't mean to, he takes them seriously gives me a pleasant lecture that includes whatever he thinks I need.

You want me to open up to him? Unless he changes or else it's over my dead body. If I open up to him, chances that we get along happily is 20%, he gets angry at my ignorance is 20%, he reprimands me for something out-of-topic is 20%, he punishes me for suddenly remembering that I didn't do something as he requested is 20% and he gets worked up due to his ignorance is another 20%.

I rather not take the risk.

So, he blames my mums for not checking my brother's work or doing their tasks effectively. He's got a brain, I just wish he'd use them on them for once. He says they didn't do them correctly, but his instructions are unclear; he says they're not alert enough, while he goes to work for like, not even 9 hours in the office and comes back to nap every night while my mum works an average of 11 hours per day; not alert? Pfffft. Think please.

And they didn't finished their work in time? I wonder why? They're always working, at offices, and at home doing odd things for him, what happens to leisure time? Put him as their first priority? Who is he? He thinks he knows. Sure, he knows, but only the bit he feels like knowing.

Everything is our fault, never his. His bloody egoism. When he noticed he's not so right, he gets all flare up and starts yelling to shut everyone up. What's he's afraid of? Admitting his mistakes? Listening to others? And so he says he loves me. Ok, he loves us. That's true. But in a way that he feels like we're obligated to follow everything he says because he loves and feeds us.

A little freedom, a little face-to-face talk without his ego, planning-mind, and too-matured attitude between us, a little more friendly advice instead of threats and violent, are they too much to ask for?

Damn it

Just oh-so-freaking angry with myself.

Gah. Can't believe I made such a stupid mistake.

What disturbed me so much that I forgot how to get the Revenue equation??? There goes my aim for scoring a 95 for Math. The only subject I can score that high!!!!!!!!!!!

HEEZ.

Must be my dad's fault. Definitely. Making me to do his chart by sacrificing my sleeping time, and scolding mindlessly that I didn't do as I was told when his instruction wasn't clear.

And it seems like we won't be going for the award... If Richards not going, nobody's going, I just don't feel like going alone with all my team mates working for their exams. Where's the teamwork and team spirit??

Let's just hope that we get to wear our new jerseys before on the next match.

I hate accounts. It's at the brink of failing... I don't care about it anymore. Just give me a pass and I'll be contented enough to start singing in the hall.

I'm just so happy to see that Fairy Tail is being animated by the same team who did Valkyria Chronicles. That's another anime going into my list.

Spice & Wolf II is awesome. Lawrence is so Lelouch-ish! Fukuyama Jun really rocks. And Lawrence and Horo are just so cute together!!! Not too lovey-dovey, they're mildly sweet and pleasant in the eye to enjoy. The way Horo treats Lawrence is so C.C.-ish!!! Maybe I can pretend Lelouch didn't die after all, they went to another world and lived happily ever after.

Thank god I'm watching it.
Or else I'd probably continue rambling.

Scratching

Scratching my head alright.

Fainting at the sight of the ticking clock.

Horrified every second the hands dance.

How many times have I told myself that, never, will I do a last minute work ever, again?

How many I wonder.

Shoot.

续

初八

上学啊。世界上还真的不乏这些白痴呢 。

滥用放映器和键盘。不过这个还不是单纯的白痴，不知是他太蛋白质，还是太自大，他自己放他的名耶。

真是够白烂。

哦~~~~ 老师来啦！！白痴们跑啊！！！

初九

喔！！舞狮来咯~~~

啊！！危险怪兽来也。

起来！不要睡觉！！

我拉！我拉！我拉呀拉！！

捞生。捞呀捞，祝我们步步高升。

然后留下一桌没人要吃的残余。浪费。说真的，我觉得捞生不是蛮难吃，而是很难吃...

下午回到家，就忙着去学开车。学会了换牙，踩 clutch，和死火。 除此之外，我还练习怎么上山。最厉害的还是我还在学校前面兜了三次！！哈哈，我最快的速度是30, 上到30以上是没问题，只是我很不喜欢换牙... *胆小鬼一个* 连续开了四个钟，脚酸的要命呐！！


初十
Annie 你真是好酷！！！连讲电话都散发着那不可侵犯的气息...

埏圻和我一样呢，看书的速度超快！就连名字也是他自己选深奥的字改的。很少见到像这样的男生，喜欢看华语书看到很快。

*想起某些人*

《打喷嚏》他花三个小时就看完了！！很棒的速度。

嗨... 果然要避免跟那臭老头接触。只是吃一顿饭我又被责备到狗血淋头... 还被罚写... 哼，别发梦啦... 100 行，1100 个字，8400 比划，我才没写完呢！这里砍一砍，那里切一切，旁边削一削。我就是不服，我就是不爽啊！你可以阻此我在写完前做别的事，但你别妄想阻此我的灵魂出壳！！

*叹气*

新年，别生气，所以我不理你。

叛逆是一定会的，只是时间问题而已。

Trust and Betrayal

私は責任のなく、利己的な人々を憎む...
これは冗談じゃないです...
それは本当です...
君達は理解する必要がない...
特に Hsu-Cherng...
誰でもこれを翻訳するは馬鹿す...
ごめんね~ XDD

Haywire...

Came back from Tan C Y and studied Bio before that, currently blogging, reading online manga, searching for CG news... Did I just broke down?? Dunnoe, maybe I guess... Just finish reading transportation, cells, and the last chapter... My brain's just somehow blew up...

For example: I was thinking of a better way to get better results... Then aha!! I remember something about 'hypertonic', 'hypotonic, n 'isotonic'.... Here's how it works out... The text books, reference books, exercise books n etc are 'HYPERTONIC' in 'knowledge', and my brain's knowledge required for SPM which is pitifully low, is 'HYPOTONIC' to it... Wonder is there any way for me to 'immerse' my brain in the books?? Then hope it'll be balance out, which is 'ISOTONIC'...

breaking down, breaking down at the moment... Into glucose, amino acids, and etc... Dooms day is near... Now searching for Sanctuary in Anime and Manga... And here's the poem I wrote...

说不完的无奈

爱玲沫横飞，
学生泪如雨。
日炎艳阳高，
课闷师自喜。
天寒乌云满，
徒冷汗直冒。
开口谈名句，
心犹心莲苦。
提笔欲扣分，
拔腿逃不了。
唐诗两三句，
绵羊已过千。
一二三个字，
四五六首诗。
无视于怨声，
满怀的无奈。
江南山水秀，
不及眼前清。

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Nonconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Impulsive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Personality at 35,000 Says...

Deep down, you prefer spending time alone to spending time with others. You enjoy thinking more than talking. You are good with your place in the world. You are confident and comfortable with who you are. Your gift is relating to other people. You don't hide from your own emotions, and you are good at drawing other people out. You are inspired by what is unknown. You are drawn to the exotic. It's very easy for you to feel happy. You can find peace with any situation.

The Personality Test at 35,000 Feet

You Are 44% Burned Out

You're fairly burned out, and it shows. You probably have been feeling a little rundown and irritable lately. If you can, drop a few of your minor responsibilities and focus on what's really important. You have too much on your plate, and it's catching up with you.

Are You Burned Out?